Dear follower and fan.

It is with great sadness and regret that I must share with you some information that has been recently brought to my attention.

It appears, that since the year 1992, Christmas cards sent out to my friends, relatives and neighbours bearing my autograph, have, in fact, been secretarially signed.

In December 1992 I was struck down with a case of mild indigestion which rendered me quite uncomfortable for a period of approximately two hours. Unfortunately, at this exact time my wife had arranged the annual preparation of our output of Christmas cards.

Having received the assurance that this kind of thing is done ‘all the time’ in the Greetings Cards world, I consented - due to my indisposition - to my wife adding my "signature" to said cards and subsequently this practise has continued until the present day.

Now that it has come to light and stirred controversy, I want to rectify it immediately.

My team and I are now working with Santa Claus and others to find the best possible way forward but in the meantime I would like to assure you that I sincerely regret any disappointment my inaction may have caused.

I would also like to wish every subscriber to the Forum a Happy and Peaceful Christmas!

"Findbooks"

Voices offstage: "What - you're saying there's actually a machine that can do this for me? What the f*** are we waiting for!!"